Sunday, August 16, 2015

I have a whole in my heart tonight. It makes studying for my Physics test tomorrow extremely difficult. I guess this is what I wanted, to learn how to fight by myself. When life throws me down, pick myself back up. This is only an exercise to strengthen my muscles in self-discipline, courage, and positivity. Things that break you down really do build you up. I am practicing my ability to dig through and around and over the ugly clutter, until I can see the big picture. And this time, I am doing it alone. It feels good to do this on my own. One day, I will be as strong as Ronda Rousey.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Bite Sized Pieces

"Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse." - Regina Brett 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Let Your Heart Take the Lead

Positive Thought of the Day e-mail came in today, and it was good and helpful.

If you're trying to make a decision or work through a problem, let your heart lead you. Turn within and pay attention to how you feel about various options, the motives of other people, and what feels "right" to you. Your heart will always lead you to your highest good. 

"Intuition is the key to everything, in painting, filmmaking, business - everything. I think you could have an intellectual ability, but if you can sharpen your intuition, which they say is emotion and intellect joining together, then a knowingness occurs." - David Lynch 




Sunday, July 19, 2015

Alive

I just want to write! I just want to go camping, sleep under the stars! Hike to beautiful places, atop a mountain, to a waterfall, away from this place! I need something that will excite my soul! I have attempted studying for physics all weekend long and have been failing miserably. Today I am at the Patisserie downtown Walla Walla failing at another attempt to get some studying done for my test tomorrow. I don't know what it is, I just CAN'T focus. I need some adventure in my life. I need to feel alive! Take me on a motorcycle ride! Take me out wakeboarding on the clear morning water! Take me in front of a large audience and let me sing. Take me to high places, cliff jumping, rafting, rock climbing, let me run a race! Take me to Paradiso and let me dance, dance, dance to my hearts content! I am craving that satisfaction of life that comes with the joy of feeling alive! I just want to come alive!

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Reawakening

I have noticed this week that I have lost my spirit. It has been lost for quite some time now. The adventure and spontaneity, the passion and inspiration that once fed my soul is gone. I am amazed at how I have made it through this year without those things. My spirit feels confined, compressed within the walls of my chest, but this week it has some how reminded me of its presence, and here I am. Back at the blog, feeding my soul. Probing my spirit out of its cage. Please, self, come back to me.


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

How to reach your goals while staying in bed: I wish I knew!

Some days I believe with all my heart that I am capable of accomplishing each and every goal I've set for myself. That nothing, no matter how big the size, can stand in the way of me and the finish line of reaching these goals.

And then there are other days where I doubt what I once believed so whole-heartedly.

And there are those days where I seriously contemplate dropping out of school. Believing the lie that I'm not smart enough, good enough, talented enough, responsible enough, focused enough, determined enough, tough enough, strong enough, stable enough...
And those days are the hardest, because I don't want to do anything --school, homework, much less even start the day and get out of bed. Unfortunately, these are the days I live more often than those feeling confident in my abilities. There are many reasons for this. Mostly experiences that have "taught" me that I'm not good enough to ever make it. And giving up is so much easier than pressing on.
How am I suppose to fight through these days? I have over 5 more years of tough schooling ahead of me, and I don't even know how I can get through a single day!
I am trying to get excited about life. To find a way to be passionate about all the little things in life, but sometimes it seems impossible.
Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I ran across this blog post and it seemed appropriate.
http://www.wingsfortheheart.com/stretching-your-limits.htm

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Loose Teeth Dream

Loose teeth in dreams signify that you are facing a difficult decision or transition time in your life. Common dream scenarios involve discovering that a few teeth have come loose; you may feel that a tooth is not stable and you're worried is will come loose. These dream images point to concerns about the stability of your foundations in life and the prospect of letting go of something important to you.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Depression (Spoken Word)


Do you know what depression feels like?
It feels like a thousand pound weight holding your body down in a pool of water, barely reaching your chin.
So no matter how bad your neck hurts you gotta keep your head up to survive.
It’s looking at the sky, seeing how far away heaven is from you right now.
It’s how much you hate now, and every second after it.
It’s the feeling after you realize that one thing that you want so passionate is drifting past your tips and each time you reach to grab it you get a mouth full of water and you sacrifice drowning.
Depression is the pressure bouncing against your chest, asthmatic, air keeps seeping in even though I don’t want to breathe again.
Depression is finally falling asleep and waking up so pissed off for no apparent reason in the morning.
It’s a constant state of mourning, when the only thing that died is your pride.
It’s pushing everybody that loves you as far away from you as humanly possible cause I don’t deserve them.
Desert them before they desert me.
It’s quicksand sinking, it’s feeling alone in a room full of people.
It’s alright… yeah, I’m okay.
No, really, really, I’m good.
It’s applying a clown face and pretending everything is cool and content when you know you will explode any minute.
Depression is four hydrocodones, two x pills, and a poetry show.
Feeling like the biggest hypocrite in the world.
It’s tears that will never fall from your cheek, fear of adding to the water that I’m already chin deep in…
Yeah, I wanna die but not that way.
Maybe Kurt Cobain like, possibly Chris Benoit type, partly Chris Farley.
Feeling like the biggest clown in the smallest circus.
Worthless.
When will my best be good enough anyway?
It’s being afraid, of being alone, with your own thoughts in an empty apartment but not wanting anyone around you.
It’s going to the bathroom in total darkness not wanting to see your own reflection.
It’s taking five showers a day at least and still not feeling clean.
Depression is the demon at the bottom of a Zoloft bottle.
Depression is the reason I called into work today, and yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.
I could get a hundred hours of sleep and still feel tired as hell.
Searching for a clear definition of self.
It’s the thanks for nothing look you give the people who tell you to pray and everything will be okay, but the only explanation is crazy.
But you wouldn’t call me crazy if you knew how much I hate me.
It’s biting your nails till your fingers bleed, steadily grinding your teeth.

Depression is the reason this poem has no ending.

Monday, September 22, 2014

In the gray

Why do you do this to yourself?
You allow yourself to be available.
You are better than that.
1,2,3,4 this year.
Stop.
You can be in control.
I want to strike you like the lightening
in the night.
My thunder could not be clearer.
Stop.
This rain is not necessary.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Maybe I'm just getting better at recognizing it, or maybe I am just finally making the right decisions in life, but within the last year I have had multiple experiences where, after making a decision about something, or being in the presence of someone, I just "know" that I am where I'm suppose to be. I just "know" that I am on the right path. That things are as they should be.
I guess that's what I've been waiting for, when it comes to deciding on my major. That peace and satisfaction of "knowing" that it is the right decision. I haven't experienced that yet, and the pressure is rising, as time ticks on.

But for now, these are the things I "know".

  • The Marc is where I was meant to be.
  • The friends I have are the friends I need (and the best anyone could ever ask for).
  • Letting go of that toxic friendship is what I am suppose to do.

These things are what I know to be true. I can't explain how I know. But I really just do. Probably that same knowing of when you decide to marry someone. You just KNOW that you want to marry them. I assume it's a similar feeling. The gaps in-between all those things aren't necessarily wrong, but maybe not necessarily right either. They are just smaller decisions, smaller actions that took place within the bigger picture. But every once in awhile, it's really helpful to know that I'm on the right path.

I think physical therapy is in the right direction, but I don't know anything for sure, which makes me really nervous. I'm going to give it a shot and I guess time will tell?

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

change

change
like the kind that klinks in the can
on the side of the road
next to the artist
as he sings to the rhythm in his heart

change
as in times come and
they go
and chances are no more

change
when nothing is the same
and the unfamiliar territory
is frightening and exciting
and altogether
new

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Always More Love

She closed the door behind her and locked it, walked up the stairs to her room and took a deep breath.  She unscrewed the first bottle and dumped the small contents into her hand. A months worth. Not enough. Then she let the small capsules fall into her mouth. She brought the water to her lips and swallowed. And swallowed. Then she unscrewed the second bottle, and dumped it into her hands. Again, she brought her shaking hand to her mouth, and drank, and swallowed. She then proceeded to the third bottle. Unscrewed the cap. Poured the remaining anti-depressants into her hand, counting what was left. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. She brought her hand to her mouth, and drank, and swallowed. swallowed. swallowed.
Do I really want to die? 
Yes.
But do I?
Starting to shake, partly from the fear and partly from the drugs, she grabbed her phone. Nick.
"Nick! It's me. Don't come over tonight. I don't feel like hanging out... No I'm fine... Today was just... hard. God, I hate my life. I just want to die...I just want to sleep... I'm FINE... PLEASE! DON'T COME OVER... Yes. See you tomorrow. Bye."
...
Things started to shake. Her body started to shake. The ground underneath her started to give way and she began falling, and falling. Deeper and deeper.
Oh god. This is it.
The world started to blur and mold into shapes, and then strangely the colors of the room grew brighter and blended together into a beautiful rainbow, and she felt light and happy, for once. The shaking grew more intense. She fell to her knees. Then onto her back, convulsing, foaming at the mouth, eyes rolling into the back of her head.
I am dying.
When it stopped, her life flashed before her eyes and she remembered all the people that she cared about. But they don't love me. They shouldn't love me.

BANG. BANG. BANG. 

The door broke down.

Footsteps tromped up the stairs.
NICK! 
Everything went blurry and dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He knew something wasn't right when he hung up the phone.
She is not ok. Something is bothering her. I have to go.
He got in his car and made the 45 min drive in just under 25 minutes, speeding like his life depended on it. When he got to her house, he walked inside, but it was quiet. He went to the bedroom door. Locked. He shouted her name, but there was no answer. He had no other option. He had to break down the door.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

The door broke loose, and he scrambled up the stairs. When he reached the top, he saw her, lying on the ground, and rushed to her side. Blood was streaming out of her mouth. She had bit her tongue. He turned, and saw the three open capsules lying on her bed.
Oh my god. What has she done?!
He felt for her pulse.
She is still alive.
He got out his phone and dialed. Nine. One. One.
"Yes. This is an emergency. My girlfriend just overdosed on her medication... Yes. I just found her... She is not responding. Please... Hurry!..."
He took her in his arms and carried her down the stairs and out the door, where the ambulance arrived and took her to the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone told me she had been taken to the hospital, but no one knew why yet. I called multiple people. No one responded, I was worried, but I had no idea what to expect and I could do absolutely nothing, so I went to sleep.
The next morning I listened to the voicemail on my phone, explaining the entire story. I went to classes.
How could this happen?
I had no idea it was this bad! I had NO IDEA.
I JUST saw her the day before. We had lunch, and she was FINE! FINE!
...But how do we know that anyone is really fine. The person sitting next to me could be gone tomorrow. oh.my.god.
I want to cry, but I can't. Why should I cry? She's alive! It's fine. We're all fine. Everything is fine. But how do we know it's all fine?
I couldn't escape these thoughts from running through my head.
As soon as I got out of my last class, I went to the hospital. She was getting an MRI done when I got there, to see if the drugs had caused any permanent brain damage, because she wasn't responding like she should be at this point. I left and and decided to come back later.
When I came back, she was allowed to have visitors, so I went in to see her. She looked terrible. She couldn't speak and her tongue was so swollen from biting it during the seizures. It was constantly hanging out of her mouth. I didn't know how to act, or what to say. This wasn't the girl I knew.
Oh god. She could've died. She could be dead right now. 
She could have permanent brain damage. She might never be the same again.
She made eye contact, but just glazed over me.
Does she even recognize me?
"Muuuhhhh" She tried to speak but nothing would come. Nick leaned over and gave her a small sponge of water to suck on, as half of the water spilled down her chin and dripped onto her white, over-sized hospital gown.
Minutes ticked into hours. Her father and brother had decided that this incident was serious enough to fly from Seattle. They walked through the door and the shock on her dad's face turned the room quiet. It hit him. Hard. He didn't expect it to be this bad. To be this real. Her brother walked over to the side of the bed. Unsure of what to do or say. Awkward.
"Luuuuuuu!!!" She burst out when she saw his face.
She's responding! GOOOOD!
Luke reached out and touched her hand. Shocked, concerned, and afraid. He just held her hand.
Her dad walked closer to her side. "You're not doin' so well sweat pea. This is not good... Man..." The look in his eyes gave away his thoughts. He was scared, but mostly sad. So, so sad.
Why would she want to kill herself? Look at these wonderful people? Her family loves her so much!
And yet, at the same time, although it is mind-boggling, I understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went back to the hospital Saturday night after I got off work. She was more her sarcastic self, cracking jokes, and making sassy comments that had us all rolling on the floor laughing. It was good to see how much improvement she was making. She couldn't remember what country she was in, or anything that had happened to bring her to the hospital, but she knew all of our names, and that made me happy.

I went back this afternoon after I finished work this morning and a nap. She was even better than the night before. No more IV's. Although she had aspirated during one of her seizures and now had a slight case of pneumonia, and was being treated with antibiotics. She had been able to take a shower and could walk to the bathroom on her own now. There was no room in the Spokane hospital tonight so she will hopefully be able to move to Spokane tomorrow for further treatment and examination.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This experience was a drastic wake-up call. I can't completely form my thoughts into words.
1. I want to be more aware
2. I want to give more

1- I want to be more aware of other people's stories. Their feelings. I want to keep the thought that I have no idea how anyone is REALLY feeling or what they are REALLY dealing with, in the back of my mind, in every situation.
2 - I want to give more of myself to people. I never know when they will be gone. Give my time, and give my love.
Only love.
Always more love.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I wish I had something brilliant to say. something thought provoking, eye-opening, or deep. but all I need to get off my chest today, is the fact that I have come to the realization that I am a confused soul. nothing is concrete anymore. funny how time changes the way life is perceived. interesting how experiences can change perspectives with so much force. I believe when the conscience is lost, deep trouble awaits. but then again, what is trouble? and is it really trouble? is it as "bad" as it seems? as we've been taught to believe?
i probably sound like mumble-jumble-pish-posh, but these are my thoughts today, if they make any sense at all.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Live it

If I could just sit, and listen to music for hours starting at this very moment, I would. And I would enjoy every second.
Sometimes, it is necessary to take that time for ourselves.
We must recover from our busy lives, and remember why we are living.
And then we can go live it.